all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
