i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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