I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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