2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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