Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
