I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
