Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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