My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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