Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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