loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
