I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
