I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
