he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
