I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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