I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
