Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
