i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
