You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
