my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
