drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
