I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
