First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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