In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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