This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
