Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
