well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
