Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
