Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
