There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
