i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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