I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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