you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
