I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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