i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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