thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
