I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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