She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
