Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
