my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
