cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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