The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
