i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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