If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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