the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
