Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
