i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
