Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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