Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
