I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
