Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
