ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
