he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
